I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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