Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
