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the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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