What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
not ubering you a puppy
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....