There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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