Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
