I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
