On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
