"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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