I smell stomach acid.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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