Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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