You can't motorboat a personality
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
