Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Operation Purity has been aborted
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.