I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.