I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
