when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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