umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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