He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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