Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
