peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Everything about him screamed your future.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
