There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
