I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
