do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
