nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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