Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
