Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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