When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
