It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
