she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
