She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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