Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
