If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
