If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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