Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
