Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
