dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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