I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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