someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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