ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
