It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
