well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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