Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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