When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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