I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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