my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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