i think my tv is drunk
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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