Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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