So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
