If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
