Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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