my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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