4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
