someone threw a dead crab at me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
