hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
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We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.