I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
