We named our party play list daddy issues
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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