i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
