I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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