awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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